joe's weekly thoughts...

driving while stupid...

2010-09-23T09:04:00.002-04:00

so the jets just can't stay out of trouble. first, they are accused of harassing a female reporter. ok, who let joe namath in the locker room again?

then braylon edwards gets busted for drunk driving. he tested double the legal limit. his beard was the designated driver.

seriously braylon? are you that dumb? he initially got pulled over because his window tint was too dark. he thought that if it was dark enough, the cops wouldn't see him.

in the 'no one saw this coming dept.': after holding out all of training camp, darrelle revis hurt his hamstring and will miss time. the jets secondary is looking more like gilligan's island.

the bills are bad. really really bad. the bills are so bad this year, they make the lions look like super bowl champs.

fuck tom brady. and his hair.

ridin' the pine: seems like half the starting quarterbacks in the league have been benched or knocked out and it's only week 3. it's been so bad, cbs fired phil simms and hired jeff hostetler.

kevin kolb lost his job to michael vick. congrats kevin, you just got favre'd!

the steelers are 2 - 0 as they wait for ben roethlisberger to come back from suspension. he got suspended because he prefers his hands under a drunk girl's ass than under his center's ass.

fuck bill belichick too. i can't be the only one that's sick of his smug pretentious ass. and his stupid looking poncho-sweatshirt-hoodie outfit.

manning bowl: the best throw in the game wasn't made by peyton or eli. it was made by brandon jacobs.

i'm through for this week. next week we will try our damnedest to stop calling him tim t-bone.

here we go again!

2010-09-13T07:53:00.003-04:00

yes, it's been a while, but i am still back before plaxico.

so a lot has happened since the last time, the saints won the super bowl, the jets became a good team (or so they keep telling me) and brett favre retired about 4 times.

seriously, there should be a brett favrehog day: when he comes out, it means there's only 2 weeks of preseason left.

sexy rexy's a big star! thanks to this hard knocks show, everyone now knows about this jolly fat man. think santa claus with a foul mouth.

thanks to the show, we also know that antonio 'babydaddy' cromartie isn't gonna win any father of the year awards.

cromartie has fathered 8 children with 6 women in 5 states. he's interested in hitting, it's just not a receiver going over the middle.

ben roethlisberger was in the news a lot this offseason for the wrong reasons too. in the nfl, there's an injured reserve list, a physically unable to perform list, and between guys like him and babydaddy, there will be a registered sex offender list.

tom brady hates the jets. news flash for tom brady: anyone who watches football and can pronounce the word 'chowder' correctly hates you.

but anyways, let's get to the field:

after further review, the ruling on the field stands: the lions still stink.

pete carroll surprisingly won his seahawks debut. no one expected it because he is paying his players less than he did at usc.

michael vick played well after kevin kolb got knocked out of the game. it was because before he came into the game, andy reid said if he didn't he would drown him. gotta motivate him in a way he can understand, you know.

i'm tapped out for this week. tune in next week when we try to find out where matt leinart's career went.

just end the...wait what they won!?

2009-09-23T22:11:00.003-04:00

how about those jets? they haven’t beat the patriots in the meadowlands since the civil war!

the jets had a hell of a game plan. we just didn’t see it before because it was hiding under rex ryan’s gut.

kerry rhodes said that the jets would embarrass the patriots. they didn’t really embarrass them, unless you count randy moss whining like a 3 year old after the game.

tom brady & gisele bündchen are being sued by two cameramen claiming their security shot at them after they took unauthorized pictures. wrong move, guys - if anyone knows about unauthorized use of cameras, it would be tom brady.

schmuck of the week: robert henson, a rookie linebacker for the redskins who has yet to play this year, called washington fans ‘dim wits’ after booing the team after their uninspiring 9-7 win. way to play yourself into the hearts of the fans, dumbass.

henson also insulted fans by asking what they know about football when they work at mcdonalds. how much you wanna bet he gets a little ‘extra special sauce’ next time he orders a big mac?

plaxico burress began his jail sentence. unfortunately for him, there are guys in prison who really love ‘wide receivers.’

i want my baby back: everyone’s talking ribs between mcnabb and hasselbeck breaking a few between the two of them. it’s getting so bad tony siragusa donated a rack from his bbq joint to help out.

so jerrywood opened with 105,000 people watching the cowboys lose to the giants. jerry jones was so pissed he made tony romo clean the bathrooms after the game with terrell owens’ old toothbrush while listening to jessica simpson albums.

i’m done for this week. tune in next week when we interview the gap between michael strahan’s teeth.

dissing suzy kolber...

2009-09-16T23:03:00.006-04:00

we begin this week with bills almost sneaking out of new england with a win on monday night. i can take solace in a one point loss because i thought they were gonna lose 138-3.

after the game, leodis mckelvin’s lawn was vandalized. he should be so lucky. in south america, if you screw up like that in soccer, they string your nutsac up to a banana tree.

tom brady spurned suzy kolber during a post game interview. she’d have better luck with joe namath.

baseball note of the week: derek jeter – men want to be him, women want to be with him. dustin pedroia wants both.

so sexy rexy got his first win as hc of the nyj. jets fans are ecstatic about their new quarterback. rightfully so, their last few qbs have either been on ir or aarp.

the jets never reported that brett favre was injured last year, and were fined $75,000. which is half the cost of a psl for next year.

so donovan mcnabb gets injured, and the eagles sign jeff garcia. memo to kevin kolb: you are the nfc’s version of kellen clemens. enjoy riding that bench, kiddo.

so jay cutler, the best quarterback in chicago since jesus, goes out and throws four picks. after the game he blamed the packers’ defense for getting in the way.

drew brees threw for 6 touchdowns against the lions last week. the shit on the side of his face ran one in.

troy polamalu hurt his knee and will miss 3 to 6 weeks. his hair will only miss 2.

i’m done for this week. tune in next week when we ask eli manning if he knows any of his receivers. i sure don’t.

one tequila, two tequila...

2009-09-09T20:31:00.001-04:00

the regular season finally begins this week. about time, if the preseason lasted any longer there’d be no offensive coordinators left.

memo to shawne merriman: that’s not what they meant by ‘knocking back a tequila.’

the browns finally announced that brady quinn would be their week 1 starter. mangini finally decided to announce it when he realized no one really gave a shit.

the bills are trying out a no-huddle offense for this season. hopefully it’s better than their no-points offense of last season.

college football note of the day: i don’t care what they said to you, legarrete blount, it doesn’t mean you can go batshit crazy and punch everyone within a 2 mile radius.

don’t be a richard: seymour still hasn’t reported to his new job in oakland. can you blame him? he went from a team whose coach breaks records to a coach that breaks his staff’s noses.

i’m out for this week. tune in next week when we replace kevin & pat williams on the viking defensive line with venus & serena williams. see if you can spot the difference.

motherfavrer!

2009-09-01T20:29:00.003-04:00

ok, we’re back again just in time for the new season. just like brett favre. again.

am i the only one sick of ol’ bf? he didn’t want to go through the hassle of training camp. well shit! wouldn’t you like to show up at your new job 3 months late?

the ‘fuck brett favre club’ inducted two more members this year: aaron rodgers & kellen clemens welcomed tarvaris jackson & sage rosenfels.

as for ol’ bf’s former (rent-a-)team, kellen clemens just can’t get a break. that or he just really really sucks.

what is that shit on mark sanchez’s face? whatever it is, it’s made the shit on the side of drew brees’ face the second most well-known birthmark in the nfl.

brandon marshall is either the dumbest person on the planet or the biggest douchebag on the planet. after seeing the footage of him dogging it in practice, i can’t decide.

the new cowboy stadium is having a problem with punted balls hitting the giant tv screen. funny this hasn’t happened sooner, you’d think a ball would have hit jerry jones ego at least once.

nutjob wr update: terrell owens has a new reality show, chad johnson has a new name, plastico has a new jail cell. these guys make randy moss look like a boy scout.

if i ran an nfl team: i’d have dog the bounty hunter as the ‘tee kid’ for the game against the eagles. try drowning his ass, michael vick.

this just in: pacman jones will be playing for the cfl’s winnipeg blue bombers. he’s gonna make it rain, eh?

memo to matt cassel: a monkey with one leg could win in the patriots system. enjoy kansas city.

the sparanos, season 2: the dolphins win 3 games, chad pennington gets whacked mid-season, and big tuna sleeps with the fishes after week 17.

i’m done for this week. tune in next week when we interview gisele bündchen about how she has to compete with bill belichick for tom brady’s attention.

how much do i hate thee?

2009-04-29T14:02:00.009-04:00

i know it's been a while, but i have a few things that have been bugging me:

i hate the red sox. in fact, i hate pretty much anything having to do with boston. if it wasn't for sam adams and clam chowder, i'd say blow the whole damn town into the ocean.

george carlin once said 'hard work is for people short on talent.' finally, an explanation for dustin pedroia.

seriously, pedroia's first job was baking cookies in a tree for keebler.

in fact, i could have sworn he was one of the kids from tlc's 'little people, big world.'

if i say i hate kevin youkilis, does that make me anti-semitic?

ranger defenseman paul mara's beard has a bigger dick than kevin youkilis' beard.

ok, some football stuff:

terrell owens is on the bills. trent edwards now has the worst job in the world.

did you see brett favre got released by the jets, even though he is 'retired'? i'll bet my left man-boob he plays for the vikings next year.

speaking of the jets, they drafted their future quarterback of the future, after their present quarterback of the past retired and they decided that their present quarterback of the future was not the future quarterback of the present. did you follow that? that's the jets for you.

michael vick is going to be released from prison soon. he is scheduled to do his work-release program at petsmart. the hamsters are terrified.

the giants did the right thing by releasing plastico. however, if he gets out of jail time, at least he dodged that bullet.

why do they call it a 'west coast offense' if an east coast team is using it? and wouldn't the time zone difference cause the receivers to be 3 hours behind?

that's all i got for now, tune in next time for a bengals mini-camp report from ohio state - the prison, not the university.

that must be some helmet hair...

2009-01-31T20:13:00.004-05:00

welcome to the special super bowl edition! this week we have an exclusive interview with troy polamalu’s hair.

seriously, this could be the hairiest super bowl ever, what with all the dreadlocks and coiffures out there. you’d think shampoo companies would find a way to get in on this somehow: this td catch by larry fitzgerald brought to you by soul glo!

kurt warner’s wife is scary. she kinda looks like gozer from ghostbusters.

jesus is a cardinals fan. you’d think that was the case because of how much kurt mentions him.

the pittsburgh steelers – making people forget how bad the pirates are since 1934.

limas sweed is a receiver on the steelers. that is such a funny sounding name. sounds like a villain from ‘the dukes of hazzard’

i don’t really have anything else to say about the steelers. hines ward might hit me from behind if i say anything bad.

anquan boldin was caught yelling at his offensive coordinator during the nfc championship. nothing says ‘team player’ quite like fighting with your coach and bailing on the victory celebration.

maybe anquan came down with a case of ‘temporary terrellowensanity.’ symptoms include yapping at your offensive coordinator and quarterback, as well as an uncontrollable urge to do pushups in your driveway.

around the league:

sexy rexy in green! rex ‘son of buddy’ ryan is the new h.c. of the n.y.j. along with the retained offensive coordinator brian ‘son of marty’ schottenheimer, they jets are now ‘terribly average coaches – the next generation.’

tuna-safe dolphins: bill parcells is committed to staying in miami through this year. makes sense – at his age, most people stay in florida all year round.

terrell owens is getting his own reality show. isn’t that ironic? a guy in a reality show who has no grasp of reality whatsoever?

plastico might be back with the giants next year. unless he’s in jail, where he will be catching balls, but not from eli…

bruce smith made the hall of fame this week. he was so good, he could sack your quarterback just be looking at him.

that’s all i got for now. tune in next week for our coverage of the pro bowl. the only football game no one gives a shit about.

when good teams go bad...

2009-01-16T21:30:00.002-05:00

finally back from my playoff bye week. unlike the giants.

you know the giants’ earth wind and fire running back trio? they also nicknamed their wide receiver too: lock, stock and barrel.

eli manning is 0 for his career in home playoff games. if that’s enough to get him a $100 million dollar contract, that makes the yankees look fiscally responsible.

where did the eagles come from? didn’t they just suck like, 3 games ago?

seriously, if you were to tell me the eagles would be going to arizona to play the cardinals to get into the super bowl, i’d have said you’ve been hanging out with shawn ellis and ricky williams too much.

chad pennington won comeback player of the year. now jets fans are wishing he’d come back to the jets.

then chad went out and reminded jet fans why he was cut. he threw four interceptions against the ravens. he was just trying to do his best brett favre impersonation.

the lions hired titans defensive coordinator jim schwartz to be there head coach. may the schwartz be with him. he's gonna need it.

basketball note of the month: knick eddy curry was sued for supposedly sexually harassing his male limo driver. this finally explains his lack of defense – he plays for the other team!

tony dungy retired this week. no joke here – he was a guy who actually lived and acted with integrity – what a frickin concept!

coincidentally, jon gruden was fired this week too by the bucs. about time; after taking dungy’s team to the super bowl, he’s won about as much as anna kournikova.

pacman jones was let go by the cowboys. the last straw was when jerry jones caught pacman trying to make it rain for the cowboys cheerleaders.

now terrell owens might be let go too. memo to nfl gms: those who don’t learn from history are doomed to sign t.o.

michael irvin supposedly had a gun pointed at him by a would be robber while driving in dallas. then pacman recognized him and drove off.

why do you only hear players thanking jesus? what if jesus isn’t a football fan? one day i’d love to hear someone thank buddha, vishnu, or zeus.

that’s all for this week. next week we will interview for the jets job. hell, they have to give it to somebody!

manjobless!

2009-01-01T13:00:00.005-05:00

quick idea to start the week: if brett favre started aiming for the other team, would he start completing passes to his receivers? cause if that's him trying to throw to his own guys...

did you watch this game? i swear, i think ol' bf completed more passes to dolphins than chad pennington.

the game was over at 7:30 pm sunday. mangina was thumbing a ride outside giants stadium at 7:38.

have you ever seen a more erratic team than the broncos? one week they can beat the world, the next they can't beat an egg.

mike shanahan got fired, too. long time coming for this, last time he won anything was with some elway guy.

the cowboys got hammered in a win-and-you're-in game against the eagles. not sure who had the more satisfying middle finger - chad to the jets or mcnabb to terrell owens.

speaking of collapses, tony romo passed out in the shower after the game. i guess the thought of having to put up with jessica simpson for 6 straight months will do that to you.

i'm not surprised he passed out. with owens in one ear, jessica in the other, and jerry jones looking over your shoulder, there was no more oxygen left near his head.

jerry jones said wade philips will be back next year. as soon as jerry stops strangling him with his puppet strings.

the bills lost to the patriots in close to hurricane force winds. this year it wasn't just the wind that blew in buffalo.

tom brady proposed to superhot girlfriend gisele bündchen. i wonder which knee he got down on.*

fumbling towards history update: the lions did it! it truly takes a team effort to be that bad.

seriously, i haven't seen that much sucking since the pam and tommy video.

romeo, where for art thou? after being forced to play bruce 'the passing polock' gradkowski, crennel finally got paroled out of cleveland.

between mangini, romeo, and the maligned charlie weis at notre dame, that bellycheck branch of the parcells' family coaching tree is not looking too robust right now.

that's all i got this week. next week will be tougher to write about due to no bad teams playing. except the chargers.

* credit where it is due: my brother in law mike actually said this, but i couldn't resist.

irony, thy name is pennington

2008-12-25T23:45:00.003-05:00

finally found the weapons of mass destruction. they're at plaxico's house.

you know, i almost bought the whole 'needed for protection' argument. but when you have an arsenal big enough to invade eastern europe, maybe others need protection from you.

the fundamental difference between the jets and giants: when the jets need protection, they throw snowballs.

so chad pennington goes into the meadowlands with a chance to not only make the playoffs, he can also eliminate the jets. proof positive that there are football gods, and they have a sense of humor.

how bad do you think chad pennington wants to win this week? if he had an arm to give, he would.

fumbling towards history update: first nfl team to reach 0-15, at green bay this sunday. if green bay loses this game, rod marinelli's daughter will marry mike mccarthy.

short week this week, happy holidays folks. hope your holidays are more exciting than the bengals-browns game last week.

terribly overhyped...

2008-12-17T15:29:00.008-05:00

we begin this week with the big fad of naming rb tandems. earth, wind & fire, smash & dash - i got one: lendale white & chris johnson should be named cheeseburger & small fry!

did you see bush duck the flying shoe? he showed some quick reflexes. better than j.p. losman, at least.

why would you throw in that situation? someone should have thrown a shoe at dick jauron.

seriously, is t.o. a paranoid schizophrenic? maybe romo hangs out with witten just to get away from your crazy ass.

between t.o. and jerry jones, i'm not sure who is the bigger attention whore. they both make donald trump look like a wallflower.

kurt warner, brett favre, jeff feagles, and john carney all made it to the pro bowl. each of them has been in the league since world war i.

fumbling towards history update: 0-14, hosting new orleans this week. at least red wings hockey is still relevant, if you can accept putting 'hockey' and 'relevant' in the same sentence.

the bengals play the browns this week. call it the 'we'd both lose to the buckeyes bowl'

40 years ago this week, philly fans booed and threw snowballs at santa claus. to commemorate the occasion, donovan mcnabb will play santa this year. he is used to the booing.

i swear, i think philly fans would boo jesus, ghandi, and the dalai lama.

speaking of the eagles, playboy girl next door kendra wilkinson is engaged to wr hank baskett. how about that? hugh hefner's third option getting together with mcnabb's fourth option.

really, that brings new meaning to the term 'hot route.'

joe horn might sign with the giants, replacing one nutjob wr with another. at least you can't shoot yourself with a cell phone.

greg white, a buccaneers lineman, legally changed his name to a character from
80's movie 'teen wolf.' not to be outdone, ocho cinco now wants to be known as chad spicoli.

i'm tapped out for this week. watch out next week for our interview with browns qb ~~derek anderson~~, ~~brady quinn~~, ken dorsey? he's still in the league?

no plax, no problem?

2008-12-09T19:58:00.003-05:00

we begin this week with fox apologizing for their lions-vikings postgame coverage. in the background of the viking locker room meeting, the camera caught a glimpse of visanthe’s shiancoe.

the once undefeated bills officially suck. they haven’t scored a td in the month of december since the clinton administration.

full disclosure time: i am a buffalo fan. the bills are the red-headed step-child of new york football.

after last week’s loss to the 49ers, the jets are 0 for california this season. rumor has it mangini was so mad at his team he made them watch 90210 reruns the whole flight home.

the jets secondary is god awful. there were as many open san francisco receivers as there are open san franciscans.

memo to shawn ellis: that’s not what the pr department meant by ‘show us your green’

according to antonio pierce, he didn’t know plastico had a gun. he also didn’t know he had to cover, defend, and tackle brian westbrook.

more troublemakers: jeremy bridges, a backup lineman for the panthers, was charged with assault after an altercation with a bouncer. apparently he sprayed a bottle of dom perignon all over the bar causing a woman to get doused. are you an idiot? you can get the same effect with a bottle of korbel for $150 less! i don’t care about the player, but that’s a waste of a great champagne!

fumbling towards history update: the lions actually had a 4th quarter lead! they even knocked gus frerrote out of the game! but alas, they drop to 0-13. next week: at indy. peyton manning promised to only throw 4 td passes.

memo to lions fans: dominic raiola was just saying you’re number 1 for sticking by them!

baseball note of the week: admit it, yankee fans, aren’t you even a little curious what manny would/could do in pinstripes?

baseball note of the ~~week~~ weak: if you were offered $140 million, or take less to stay closer to your family, wouldn’t just move your whole damn family?

meet jerry jones: meddling owner, wannabe coach, attention whore. you can now add podiatrist. just ask marion barber’s toe.

that’s all for now. tune in next week when we ask: when terrell owens opens his mouth, don’t you just want to slap him? yes, donovan, i know what your answer is…

national firearm league!

2008-12-02T21:28:00.004-05:00

we begin this week with a prediction: the giants ought to get back to the super bowl,
as long as they don't shoot themselves in the...err, nevermind.

seriously, are you kidding plastico? after the year you've had so far? if you are dumb enough to make yourself a target, you will become one.

what kind of club was this that you wear sweat pants and bring a gun
to, gold's gym and shooting range?

it's too bad for him his nra membership was more important to him than
his nfl membership.

antonio pierce is gonna be in trouble too for the coverup. hope it was
worth it.

plastico was trying to do his job, just in a misguided way. he's
supposed to catch bombs from eli manning, not bullets from himself!

how much do you want to bet he winds up in dallas next year? two
things they love down there are guns and nutjob wide receivers, after all.

and now for the actual football portion of our show!

those had to be the worst games in the history of thanksgiving
football. people all around the country were actually forced to talk
to their relatives.

was anyone else at the jets-broncos game? it was a sloppy mess, and
i'm not even talking about the weather!

honestly, it looked like the jets gameplanned for the wrong team. i
haven't seen the middle that wide open since the paris hilton sex tape.

and who the hell is peyton hillis? i am now convinced a chimpanzee in
pads could run for 100 in that system.

the bills lost at home to the 49ers. at least they're not the lions.

speaking of, the lions watch this week: 0-12, home against minnesota
sunday. fumbling towards history!

i'm through for this week. tune in next week when we will be sporting our
giants #17 harris smith jersey!

mirth, thy name is favre...

2008-11-25T20:18:00.004-05:00

worst name in the nfl: benjarvus green-ellis. not only could they not agree on only one first name, they couldn't agree on a last name either!

so after the jets thoroughly waxed the titans, lendale white castle was upset he only played three plays, stating he wasn't paying attention. he was apparently too busy eating.

nfl, meet leon washington - just like reggie bush, but without the hype and the hot girlfriend.

there's a chance the lions' thanksgiving game might be blacked out in detroit if the game hasn't sold out. this is so unfair! how come they don't get stuck watching it when the rest of us have to?

an unknown qb comes in after an injury to the established starter for the patriots and makes a name for himself. did i time warp back to 2001? somewhere drew bledsoe is saying 'good. fuck him.'

did you know that tom brady's son with actress ex-girlfriend bridget moynahan is named john edward thomas? j.e.t.? hell hath no fury...

pacman jones is back! he's so surprised he was let back in he is throwing a party at the strip club across the street from texas stadium.

shawn alexander was cut by the redskins this week. have you seen anyone's career fall faster than this guy? other than britney spears.

andy reid is looking more like wilford brimley every day. he's also looking soon to be unemployed.

north of the border moment: calgary won the canadian football league championship. have you ever seen a cfl game? no touchbacks or fair catches. go kill that returner, eh?

that's all i got this week, happy turkey day, kids.

the ghost of scott norwood

2008-11-19T21:49:00.004-05:00

we begin with a question: is al davis really alive, or is that a zombie?

what happened to braylon edwards? last year he caught everything, this year he has more drops than sprint.

didn’t matter because the bills lost on a 47 yard field goal going wide right. this sounds vaguely familiar.

it’s tough being a buffalo fan. visions of mark ingram spinning like a ballerina on speed still haunt me to this day.

speaking of mark ingram, he was convicted of money laundering in september. guess the federal government did what the bills defense couldn’t.

did you see the jets-patriots game? i don’t call that a close win, i call it escaping by the skin of your nuts.

the jets cannot play with a lead. i guess when you’re not used to having the lead you tend to panic.

kris jenkins is seriously imposing. he doesn’t tackle running backs, he eats them.

file under sister-kisser: the eagles tied the bengals, the first tie in 6 years. fitting, because neither team deserved to win.

donovan mcnabb admitted he did not know a game could end in a tie. apparently chunky soup is not brain food.

the titans are 10-0 so far. nobody cares because kerry collins is as sexy as ed mcmahon.

college football note of the week: joe paterno is cool. he’s been around so long, i think he coached jesus.

the steelers beat the chargers 11-10. what the hell kind of score is that? sounds more like the score of a pirates-padres game. only problem is the pirates can’t score 11 runs in a week let alone 1 game.

my vote for coach of the year: tony sparano. with a roster filled with kids, psychopaths (see: porter, joey) potheads (see: williams, ricky) and a pea shooter armed qb, he has managed to be 1 game out of first. that and his daughter meadow is pretty hot.

that’s all I got for this week. next week we will ask new lion qb drew henson how many more sports can he possibly suck in.

tyler frickin' thigpen?

2008-11-11T21:06:00.007-05:00

finally! herm edwards actually plays...to win...the game! aaaannnnd still winds up losing.

honestly, herm's game management has historically been so conservative he makes pat buchanan look like a democrat.

this year's nominee for the kurt warner 'where the fuck did he come from?' award goes to tyler thigpen. three games and this kid looks like len frickin' dawson!

file under old faces, old places: ty law will be grabbing players' jerseys the rest of the season for the jets. tatum bell be grabbing players' luggage for the broncos.

so after a 37 point explosion by the ravens, they go out and score 41! we are finally seeing the offensive genius that is brian billick. oh wait a second...

the 2008 atlanta falcons: in the doghouse from a qb currently in the big house, now in the penthouse partly due to a new qb fresh out of a frat house and a rb built like a brick house.

did you watch the saints game? drew brees was giving jeremy shockey an earful. i swear i thought i saw that shit on the side of his face yelling at him too.

are you like me? when you see drew brees do you want to just lick your thumb and rub like your mom used to?

that's all for now, next week we will try to figure out when the last time the cardinals were in the playoffs. i left off my research around the nixon era...

undress for success?

2008-11-06T09:47:00.006-05:00

so last week mike singletary not only threw vernon davis out of the game, he dropped his pants at halftime to show how bad they were playing. i’ve heard of undressing the team, but this?

brady quinn finally gets his chance this week! have you ever taken a good look at this kid? he’s got eyebrows like little hamsters!

memo to romeo crennel: that isn’t the brady you were thinking of.

joey porter and brandon marshall got into a little spat this week. i don’t know about you but i’m afraid of joey porter. he seems like the kinda guy who would just straight up kill you if you pissed him off. just ask matt cassel.

baseball note of the week: the phillies won the world series. no one in philly noticed because they were too busy booing everyone.

cadillac williams might be out of the shop pretty soon. too bad he runs like a pinto.

more qbs down this week: roethlisberger, schaub, even ol’ brett is a little dinged up. ‘protecting the qb’ used to mean having a good line. now it means having good group health insurance.

kyle orton got knocked out last week, too. do you know what that means? the return of sexy rexy! he promptly let the bears on a comeback against the lions. so what? a flock of geese could beat the lions.

speaking of the lions, they signed recently retired daunte culpepper. pretty soon, dan orlovsky will be running out of bounds again, right to the bench.

‘orlovsky’ isn’t a cool enough name for a quarterback, anyway. sounds more like a third string nose tackle.

the bills are good. they can beat everyone, except teams in their division.

the ravens scored 37 points last week! i don’t think they scored 37 points all of last year.

i'm done this week. next week we will celebrate the bengals not losing 2 weeks in a row!

national felon league...

2008-10-28T20:57:00.004-04:00

big news from the league office: the nfl announced that instead of an injury report they will list a police blotter.

larry johnson won’t play because he is too busy spitting drinks in women’s faces. apparently, he prefers hitting girls more than hitting the hole.

filed under not so saintly: 3 new orleans players tested positive for a diuretic, supposedly to lose weight. haven’t they seen all those commercials? trying nutrisystem worked wonders for dan marino and mike golic!

one of the saints in question was deuce mcallister. looks like deuce is on the juice.

santonio holmes was busted for weed. he claimed it was performance enhancing for a hot dog eating contest he had entered.

instead of travelling to london with his team, a fresh out of surgery reggie bush spent the weekend in vegas with his girlfriend kim kardashian. Tough choice there: tea & krumpets or t & a?

outdoing even himself, plastico was benched for a quarter and a half because he missed a treatment session saturday. maybe his kids go to school 6 days a week?

rookie coach of the week: mike singletary, if there’s one guy who has the stones to stand up to some of these spoiled brats, it’s him.

baseball note of the week: joe maddon kinda seems like morris buttermaker with wild thing glasses. he just kinda looks to me like he’ll whip out a bottle of jack at the post game press conference.

hey, they also played some games this week, right?

Did anyone catch the jets/chiefs game? If so I feel for you.

i’m tapped out for this week. next week we will try to figure out when exactly peyton became the second best manning in the league. we think it was somewhere between the 2nd knee surgery that didn’t happen.

old thoughts...

2008-10-27T21:05:00.008-04:00

these are a few lines about the season so far from the message board of my fantasy league, just thought to share:

from last week:

romo hurt his pinky. his freakin pinky. didn’t brett farve play with an amputated leg and polio a few years back?

memo to dan orlovsky: that big white line at the back of the end zone is out of bounds.

did you see this play? if i were the coach i’d have benched him, kicked him off the sideline, cut him, emptied his locker, threw him out of the stadium, and had his car repossessed all before the next offensive series.

honestly, that brings a new meaning to the term ‘offensive series.’

from week 6:

plastico had to take his kids to school. apparently he does not have the reliability of the verizon network.

speaking of nutcase wr's, t.o. broke down crying on the sideline. fuck steroids and hgh, get this guy some zoloft!

from week 5:

pacman jones and chris henry were teammates at the same school. i bet that was one hell of a team dorm.

reggie bush is dating reality starlet/sex tape gal kim kardashian. why should quarterbacks have all the fun?

kim's dad was one of oj's defense lawyers. what is with that family and shady usc tailbacks?

from week 4:

genius of the week: tony sparano. he has figured out how to win with chad at qb: have ronnie brown throw the ball...

the bills won on a last second field goal. better late than never.

watch out for that ref!

2008-10-22T10:24:00.003-04:00

strange week...tony romo couldn't last a whole week hanging out with jessica 24/7...

ol'bf gave romo a call and said 'it's your pinky, you pussy! get in there and get that pinky under andre gurode's nutsac!'

so what do the cowboys do? start brad johnson and promptly got waxed by the rams. wasn't romo in like, 2nd grade when brad johnson last started a game?

speaking of ol' bf, he denied giving the lions info about the packers' playbook. please. mike mccarthy could use a bullhorn to call in the plays and the lions still couldn't stop it.

speaking of nutsacs, it was rumored that kellen winslow's 'mystery illness' was elephantitis of the testicles. because figuratively having the biggest balls on the team wasn't good enough.

turned out however, it was a staph infection, the 6th brown player to come down with the infection. does this team share jockstraps or something?

mike nolan and his suits are out in san fran. mike singletary's first order of business was to teach the team the super bowl shuffle.

rodney harrison was carted off the field on monday. good. that's karma biting you in the ass for years of dirty hits.

t.o., chad johnson, plastico...seriously, do you have to be a few cans short of a six pack to play wr in the nfl?

i'm done for this week. next week we will ask pacman if the rehab place lets him take field trips to the strip club...don't worry, joba's driving!

shits and giggles...

2008-10-22T09:54:00.003-04:00

so for the past few years or so i've been writing out a few lines about the current week in football on various fantasy football league message boards. maybe it's ego, but i'd like to think some of them are kinda interesting. so it took all of 10 minutes to start this up and i figure i'd post some of them up here for the half dozen or so people that might be interested. i'll try to update them every week, but i'm entitled to a few bye weeks, so we'll see what comes of it...

if you've found your way here by some stroke of bad luck, welcome. if i know you and you're just humoring me, thanks (i think)

'opinions are like assholes - everyone's got one, and some are stinkier than others...'