dissing suzy kolber...

we begin this week with bills almost sneaking out of new england with a win on monday night. i can take solace in a one point loss because i thought they were gonna lose 138-3.

after the game, leodis mckelvin’s lawn was vandalized. he should be so lucky. in south america, if you screw up like that in soccer, they string your nutsac up to a banana tree.

tom brady spurned suzy kolber during a post game interview. she’d have better luck with joe namath.

baseball note of the week: derek jeter – men want to be him, women want to be with him. dustin pedroia wants both.

so sexy rexy got his first win as hc of the nyj. jets fans are ecstatic about their new quarterback. rightfully so, their last few qbs have either been on ir or aarp.

the jets never reported that brett favre was injured last year, and were fined $75,000. which is half the cost of a psl for next year.

so donovan mcnabb gets injured, and the eagles sign jeff garcia. memo to kevin kolb: you are the nfc’s version of kellen clemens. enjoy riding that bench, kiddo.

so jay cutler, the best quarterback in chicago since jesus, goes out and throws four picks. after the game he blamed the packers’ defense for getting in the way.

drew brees threw for 6 touchdowns against the lions last week. the shit on the side of his face ran one in.

troy polamalu hurt his knee and will miss 3 to 6 weeks. his hair will only miss 2.

i’m done for this week. tune in next week when we ask eli manning if he knows any of his receivers. i sure don’t.

one tequila, two tequila...

the regular season finally begins this week. about time, if the preseason lasted any longer there’d be no offensive coordinators left.

memo to shawne merriman: that’s not what they meant by ‘knocking back a tequila.’

the browns finally announced that brady quinn would be their week 1 starter. mangini finally decided to announce it when he realized no one really gave a shit.

the bills are trying out a no-huddle offense for this season. hopefully it’s better than their no-points offense of last season.

college football note of the day: i don’t care what they said to you, legarrete blount, it doesn’t mean you can go batshit crazy and punch everyone within a 2 mile radius.

don’t be a richard: seymour still hasn’t reported to his new job in oakland. can you blame him? he went from a team whose coach breaks records to a coach that breaks his staff’s noses.

i’m out for this week. tune in next week when we replace kevin & pat williams on the viking defensive line with venus & serena williams. see if you can spot the difference.

motherfavrer!

ok, we’re back again just in time for the new season. just like brett favre. again.

am i the only one sick of ol’ bf? he didn’t want to go through the hassle of training camp. well shit! wouldn’t you like to show up at your new job 3 months late?

the ‘fuck brett favre club’ inducted two more members this year: aaron rodgers & kellen clemens welcomed tarvaris jackson & sage rosenfels.

as for ol’ bf’s former (rent-a-)team, kellen clemens just can’t get a break. that or he just really really sucks.

what is that shit on mark sanchez’s face? whatever it is, it’s made the shit on the side of drew brees’ face the second most well-known birthmark in the nfl.

brandon marshall is either the dumbest person on the planet or the biggest douchebag on the planet. after seeing the footage of him dogging it in practice, i can’t decide.

the new cowboy stadium is having a problem with punted balls hitting the giant tv screen. funny this hasn’t happened sooner, you’d think a ball would have hit jerry jones ego at least once.

nutjob wr update: terrell owens has a new reality show, chad johnson has a new name, plastico has a new jail cell. these guys make randy moss look like a boy scout.

if i ran an nfl team: i’d have dog the bounty hunter as the ‘tee kid’ for the game against the eagles. try drowning his ass, michael vick.

this just in: pacman jones will be playing for the cfl’s winnipeg blue bombers. he’s gonna make it rain, eh?

memo to matt cassel: a monkey with one leg could win in the patriots system. enjoy kansas city.

the sparanos, season 2: the dolphins win 3 games, chad pennington gets whacked mid-season, and big tuna sleeps with the fishes after week 17.

i’m done for this week. tune in next week when we interview gisele bündchen about how she has to compete with bill belichick for tom brady’s attention.