Tuesday, October 28, 2008

national felon league...

big news from the league office: the nfl announced that instead of an injury report they will list a police blotter.

larry johnson won’t play because he is too busy spitting drinks in women’s faces. apparently, he prefers hitting girls more than hitting the hole.

filed under not so saintly: 3 new orleans players tested positive for a diuretic, supposedly to lose weight. haven’t they seen all those commercials? trying nutrisystem worked wonders for dan marino and mike golic!

one of the saints in question was deuce mcallister. looks like deuce is on the juice.

santonio holmes was busted for weed. he claimed it was performance enhancing for a hot dog eating contest he had entered.

instead of travelling to london with his team, a fresh out of surgery reggie bush spent the weekend in vegas with his girlfriend kim kardashian. Tough choice there: tea & krumpets or t & a?

outdoing even himself, plastico was benched for a quarter and a half because he missed a treatment session saturday. maybe his kids go to school 6 days a week?

rookie coach of the week: mike singletary, if there’s one guy who has the stones to stand up to some of these spoiled brats, it’s him.

baseball note of the week: joe maddon kinda seems like morris buttermaker with wild thing glasses. he just kinda looks to me like he’ll whip out a bottle of jack at the post game press conference.

hey, they also played some games this week, right?

Did anyone catch the jets/chiefs game? If so I feel for you.

i’m tapped out for this week. next week we will try to figure out when exactly peyton became the second best manning in the league. we think it was somewhere between the 2nd knee surgery that didn’t happen.

Monday, October 27, 2008

old thoughts...

these are a few lines about the season so far from the message board of my fantasy league, just thought to share:

from last week:

romo hurt his pinky. his freakin pinky. didn’t brett farve play with an amputated leg and polio a few years back?

memo to dan orlovsky: that big white line at the back of the end zone is out of bounds.

did you see this play? if i were the coach i’d have benched him, kicked him off the sideline, cut him, emptied his locker, threw him out of the stadium, and had his car repossessed all before the next offensive series.

honestly, that brings a new meaning to the term ‘offensive series.’

from week 6:

plastico had to take his kids to school. apparently he does not have the reliability of the verizon network.

speaking of nutcase wr's, t.o. broke down crying on the sideline. fuck steroids and hgh, get this guy some zoloft!

from week 5:

pacman jones and chris henry were teammates at the same school. i bet that was one hell of a team dorm.

reggie bush is dating reality starlet/sex tape gal kim kardashian. why should quarterbacks have all the fun?

kim's dad was one of oj's defense lawyers. what is with that family and shady usc tailbacks?

from week 4:

genius of the week: tony sparano. he has figured out how to win with chad at qb: have ronnie brown throw the ball...

the bills won on a last second field goal. better late than never.

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

watch out for that ref!

strange week...tony romo couldn't last a whole week hanging out with jessica 24/7...

ol'bf gave romo a call and said 'it's your pinky, you pussy! get in there and get that pinky under andre gurode's nutsac!'

so what do the cowboys do? start brad johnson and promptly got waxed by the rams. wasn't romo in like, 2nd grade when brad johnson last started a game?

speaking of ol' bf, he denied giving the lions info about the packers' playbook. please. mike mccarthy could use a bullhorn to call in the plays and the lions still couldn't stop it.

speaking of nutsacs, it was rumored that kellen winslow's 'mystery illness' was elephantitis of the testicles. because figuratively having the biggest balls on the team wasn't good enough.

turned out however, it was a staph infection, the 6th brown player to come down with the infection. does this team share jockstraps or something?

mike nolan and his suits are out in san fran. mike singletary's first order of business was to teach the team the super bowl shuffle.

rodney harrison was carted off the field on monday. good. that's karma biting you in the ass for years of dirty hits.

t.o., chad johnson, plastico...seriously, do you have to be a few cans short of a six pack to play wr in the nfl?

i'm done for this week. next week we will ask pacman if the rehab place lets him take field trips to the strip club...don't worry, joba's driving!

shits and giggles...

so for the past few years or so i've been writing out a few lines about the current week in football on various fantasy football league message boards. maybe it's ego, but i'd like to think some of them are kinda interesting. so it took all of 10 minutes to start this up and i figure i'd post some of them up here for the half dozen or so people that might be interested. i'll try to update them every week, but i'm entitled to a few bye weeks, so we'll see what comes of it...

if you've found your way here by some stroke of bad luck, welcome. if i know you and you're just humoring me, thanks (i think)

'opinions are like assholes - everyone's got one, and some are stinkier than others...'