Saturday, January 31, 2009

that must be some helmet hair...

welcome to the special super bowl edition! this week we have an exclusive interview with troy polamalu’s hair.

seriously, this could be the hairiest super bowl ever, what with all the dreadlocks and coiffures out there. you’d think shampoo companies would find a way to get in on this somehow: this td catch by larry fitzgerald brought to you by soul glo!

kurt warner’s wife is scary. she kinda looks like gozer from ghostbusters.

jesus is a cardinals fan. you’d think that was the case because of how much kurt mentions him.

the pittsburgh steelers – making people forget how bad the pirates are since 1934.

limas sweed is a receiver on the steelers. that is such a funny sounding name. sounds like a villain from ‘the dukes of hazzard’

i don’t really have anything else to say about the steelers. hines ward might hit me from behind if i say anything bad.

anquan boldin was caught yelling at his offensive coordinator during the nfc championship. nothing says ‘team player’ quite like fighting with your coach and bailing on the victory celebration.

maybe anquan came down with a case of ‘temporary terrellowensanity.’ symptoms include yapping at your offensive coordinator and quarterback, as well as an uncontrollable urge to do pushups in your driveway.

around the league:

sexy rexy in green! rex ‘son of buddy’ ryan is the new h.c. of the n.y.j. along with the retained offensive coordinator brian ‘son of marty’ schottenheimer, they jets are now ‘terribly average coaches – the next generation.’

tuna-safe dolphins: bill parcells is committed to staying in miami through this year. makes sense – at his age, most people stay in florida all year round.

terrell owens is getting his own reality show. isn’t that ironic? a guy in a reality show who has no grasp of reality whatsoever?

plastico might be back with the giants next year. unless he’s in jail, where he will be catching balls, but not from eli…

bruce smith made the hall of fame this week. he was so good, he could sack your quarterback just be looking at him.

that’s all i got for now. tune in next week for our coverage of the pro bowl. the only football game no one gives a shit about.

Friday, January 16, 2009

when good teams go bad...

finally back from my playoff bye week. unlike the giants.

you know the giants’ earth wind and fire running back trio? they also nicknamed their wide receiver too: lock, stock and barrel.

eli manning is 0 for his career in home playoff games. if that’s enough to get him a $100 million dollar contract, that makes the yankees look fiscally responsible.

where did the eagles come from? didn’t they just suck like, 3 games ago?

seriously, if you were to tell me the eagles would be going to arizona to play the cardinals to get into the super bowl, i’d have said you’ve been hanging out with shawn ellis and ricky williams too much.

chad pennington won comeback player of the year. now jets fans are wishing he’d come back to the jets.

then chad went out and reminded jet fans why he was cut. he threw four interceptions against the ravens. he was just trying to do his best brett favre impersonation.

the lions hired titans defensive coordinator jim schwartz to be there head coach. may the schwartz be with him. he's gonna need it.

basketball note of the month: knick eddy curry was sued for supposedly sexually harassing his male limo driver. this finally explains his lack of defense – he plays for the other team!

tony dungy retired this week. no joke here – he was a guy who actually lived and acted with integrity – what a frickin concept!

coincidentally, jon gruden was fired this week too by the bucs. about time; after taking dungy’s team to the super bowl, he’s won about as much as anna kournikova.

pacman jones was let go by the cowboys. the last straw was when jerry jones caught pacman trying to make it rain for the cowboys cheerleaders.

now terrell owens might be let go too. memo to nfl gms: those who don’t learn from history are doomed to sign t.o.

michael irvin supposedly had a gun pointed at him by a would be robber while driving in dallas. then pacman recognized him and drove off.

why do you only hear players thanking jesus? what if jesus isn’t a football fan? one day i’d love to hear someone thank buddha, vishnu, or zeus.

that’s all for this week. next week we will interview for the jets job. hell, they have to give it to somebody!

Thursday, January 1, 2009

manjobless!

quick idea to start the week: if brett favre started aiming for the other team, would he start completing passes to his receivers? cause if that's him trying to throw to his own guys...

did you watch this game? i swear, i think ol' bf completed more passes to dolphins than chad pennington.

the game was over at 7:30 pm sunday. mangina was thumbing a ride outside giants stadium at 7:38.

have you ever seen a more erratic team than the broncos? one week they can beat the world, the next they can't beat an egg.

mike shanahan got fired, too. long time coming for this, last time he won anything was with some elway guy.

the cowboys got hammered in a win-and-you're-in game against the eagles. not sure who had the more satisfying middle finger - chad to the jets or mcnabb to terrell owens.

speaking of collapses, tony romo passed out in the shower after the game. i guess the thought of having to put up with jessica simpson for 6 straight months will do that to you.

i'm not surprised he passed out. with owens in one ear, jessica in the other, and jerry jones looking over your shoulder, there was no more oxygen left near his head.

jerry jones said wade philips will be back next year. as soon as jerry stops strangling him with his puppet strings.

the bills lost to the patriots in close to hurricane force winds. this year it wasn't just the wind that blew in buffalo.

tom brady proposed to superhot girlfriend gisele b√ľndchen. i wonder which knee he got down on.*

fumbling towards history update: the lions did it! it truly takes a team effort to be that bad.

seriously, i haven't seen that much sucking since the pam and tommy video.

romeo, where for art thou? after being forced to play bruce 'the passing polock' gradkowski, crennel finally got paroled out of cleveland.

between mangini, romeo, and the maligned charlie weis at notre dame, that bellycheck branch of the parcells' family coaching tree is not looking too robust right now.

that's all i got this week. next week will be tougher to write about due to no bad teams playing. except the chargers.


* credit where it is due: my brother in law mike actually said this, but i couldn't resist.