Tuesday, November 25, 2008

mirth, thy name is favre...

worst name in the nfl: benjarvus green-ellis. not only could they not agree on only one first name, they couldn't agree on a last name either!

so after the jets thoroughly waxed the titans, lendale white castle was upset he only played three plays, stating he wasn't paying attention. he was apparently too busy eating.

nfl, meet leon washington - just like reggie bush, but without the hype and the hot girlfriend.

there's a chance the lions' thanksgiving game might be blacked out in detroit if the game hasn't sold out. this is so unfair! how come they don't get stuck watching it when the rest of us have to?

an unknown qb comes in after an injury to the established starter for the patriots and makes a name for himself. did i time warp back to 2001? somewhere drew bledsoe is saying 'good. fuck him.'

did you know that tom brady's son with actress ex-girlfriend bridget moynahan is named john edward thomas? j.e.t.? hell hath no fury...

pacman jones is back! he's so surprised he was let back in he is throwing a party at the strip club across the street from texas stadium.

shawn alexander was cut by the redskins this week. have you seen anyone's career fall faster than this guy? other than britney spears.

andy reid is looking more like wilford brimley every day. he's also looking soon to be unemployed.

north of the border moment: calgary won the canadian football league championship. have you ever seen a cfl game? no touchbacks or fair catches. go kill that returner, eh?

that's all i got this week, happy turkey day, kids.

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

the ghost of scott norwood

we begin with a question: is al davis really alive, or is that a zombie?

what happened to braylon edwards? last year he caught everything, this year he has more drops than sprint.

didn’t matter because the bills lost on a 47 yard field goal going wide right. this sounds vaguely familiar.

it’s tough being a buffalo fan. visions of mark ingram spinning like a ballerina on speed still haunt me to this day.

speaking of mark ingram, he was convicted of money laundering in september. guess the federal government did what the bills defense couldn’t.

did you see the jets-patriots game? i don’t call that a close win, i call it escaping by the skin of your nuts.

the jets cannot play with a lead. i guess when you’re not used to having the lead you tend to panic.

kris jenkins is seriously imposing. he doesn’t tackle running backs, he eats them.

file under sister-kisser: the eagles tied the bengals, the first tie in 6 years. fitting, because neither team deserved to win.

donovan mcnabb admitted he did not know a game could end in a tie. apparently chunky soup is not brain food.

the titans are 10-0 so far. nobody cares because kerry collins is as sexy as ed mcmahon.

college football note of the week: joe paterno is cool. he’s been around so long, i think he coached jesus.

the steelers beat the chargers 11-10. what the hell kind of score is that? sounds more like the score of a pirates-padres game. only problem is the pirates can’t score 11 runs in a week let alone 1 game.

my vote for coach of the year: tony sparano. with a roster filled with kids, psychopaths (see: porter, joey) potheads (see: williams, ricky) and a pea shooter armed qb, he has managed to be 1 game out of first. that and his daughter meadow is pretty hot.

that’s all I got for this week. next week we will ask new lion qb drew henson how many more sports can he possibly suck in.

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

tyler frickin' thigpen?

finally! herm edwards actually plays...to win...the game! aaaannnnd still winds up losing.

honestly, herm's game management has historically been so conservative he makes pat buchanan look like a democrat.

this year's nominee for the kurt warner 'where the fuck did he come from?' award goes to tyler thigpen. three games and this kid looks like len frickin' dawson!

file under old faces, old places: ty law will be grabbing players' jerseys the rest of the season for the jets. tatum bell be grabbing players' luggage for the broncos.

so after a 37 point explosion by the ravens, they go out and score 41! we are finally seeing the offensive genius that is brian billick. oh wait a second...

the 2008 atlanta falcons: in the doghouse from a qb currently in the big house, now in the penthouse partly due to a new qb fresh out of a frat house and a rb built like a brick house.

did you watch the saints game? drew brees was giving jeremy shockey an earful. i swear i thought i saw that shit on the side of his face yelling at him too.

are you like me? when you see drew brees do you want to just lick your thumb and rub like your mom used to?

that's all for now, next week we will try to figure out when the last time the cardinals were in the playoffs. i left off my research around the nixon era...

Thursday, November 6, 2008

undress for success?

so last week mike singletary not only threw vernon davis out of the game, he dropped his pants at halftime to show how bad they were playing. i’ve heard of undressing the team, but this?

brady quinn finally gets his chance this week! have you ever taken a good look at this kid? he’s got eyebrows like little hamsters!

memo to romeo crennel: that isn’t the brady you were thinking of.

joey porter and brandon marshall got into a little spat this week. i don’t know about you but i’m afraid of joey porter. he seems like the kinda guy who would just straight up kill you if you pissed him off. just ask matt cassel.

baseball note of the week: the phillies won the world series. no one in philly noticed because they were too busy booing everyone.

cadillac williams might be out of the shop pretty soon. too bad he runs like a pinto.

more qbs down this week: roethlisberger, schaub, even ol’ brett is a little dinged up. ‘protecting the qb’ used to mean having a good line. now it means having good group health insurance.

kyle orton got knocked out last week, too. do you know what that means? the return of sexy rexy! he promptly let the bears on a comeback against the lions. so what? a flock of geese could beat the lions.

speaking of the lions, they signed recently retired daunte culpepper. pretty soon, dan orlovsky will be running out of bounds again, right to the bench.

‘orlovsky’ isn’t a cool enough name for a quarterback, anyway. sounds more like a third string nose tackle.

the bills are good. they can beat everyone, except teams in their division.

the ravens scored 37 points last week! i don’t think they scored 37 points all of last year.

i'm done this week. next week we will celebrate the bengals not losing 2 weeks in a row!