Thursday, December 25, 2008

irony, thy name is pennington

finally found the weapons of mass destruction. they're at plaxico's house.

you know, i almost bought the whole 'needed for protection' argument. but when you have an arsenal big enough to invade eastern europe, maybe others need protection from you.

the fundamental difference between the jets and giants: when the jets need protection, they throw snowballs.

so chad pennington goes into the meadowlands with a chance to not only make the playoffs, he can also eliminate the jets. proof positive that there are football gods, and they have a sense of humor.

how bad do you think chad pennington wants to win this week? if he had an arm to give, he would.

fumbling towards history update: first nfl team to reach 0-15, at green bay this sunday. if green bay loses this game, rod marinelli's daughter will marry mike mccarthy.

short week this week, happy holidays folks. hope your holidays are more exciting than the bengals-browns game last week.

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

terribly overhyped...

we begin this week with the big fad of naming rb tandems. earth, wind & fire, smash & dash - i got one: lendale white & chris johnson should be named cheeseburger & small fry!

did you see bush duck the flying shoe? he showed some quick reflexes. better than j.p. losman, at least.

why would you throw in that situation? someone should have thrown a shoe at dick jauron.

seriously, is t.o. a paranoid schizophrenic? maybe romo hangs out with witten just to get away from your crazy ass.

between t.o. and jerry jones, i'm not sure who is the bigger attention whore. they both make donald trump look like a wallflower.

kurt warner, brett favre, jeff feagles, and john carney all made it to the pro bowl. each of them has been in the league since world war i.

fumbling towards history update: 0-14, hosting new orleans this week. at least red wings hockey is still relevant, if you can accept putting 'hockey' and 'relevant' in the same sentence.

the bengals play the browns this week. call it the 'we'd both lose to the buckeyes bowl'

40 years ago this week, philly fans booed and threw snowballs at santa claus. to commemorate the occasion, donovan mcnabb will play santa this year. he is used to the booing.

i swear, i think philly fans would boo jesus, ghandi, and the dalai lama.

speaking of the eagles, playboy girl next door kendra wilkinson is engaged to wr hank baskett. how about that? hugh hefner's third option getting together with mcnabb's fourth option.

really, that brings new meaning to the term 'hot route.'

joe horn might sign with the giants, replacing one nutjob wr with another. at least you can't shoot yourself with a cell phone.

greg white, a buccaneers lineman, legally changed his name to a character from
80's movie 'teen wolf.' not to be outdone, ocho cinco now wants to be known as chad spicoli.

i'm tapped out for this week. watch out next week for our interview with browns qb derek anderson, brady quinn, ken dorsey? he's still in the league?

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

no plax, no problem?

we begin this week with fox apologizing for their lions-vikings postgame coverage. in the background of the viking locker room meeting, the camera caught a glimpse of visanthe’s shiancoe.

the once undefeated bills officially suck. they haven’t scored a td in the month of december since the clinton administration.

full disclosure time: i am a buffalo fan. the bills are the red-headed step-child of new york football.

after last week’s loss to the 49ers, the jets are 0 for california this season. rumor has it mangini was so mad at his team he made them watch 90210 reruns the whole flight home.

the jets secondary is god awful. there were as many open san francisco receivers as there are open san franciscans.

memo to shawn ellis: that’s not what the pr department meant by ‘show us your green’

according to antonio pierce, he didn’t know plastico had a gun. he also didn’t know he had to cover, defend, and tackle brian westbrook.

more troublemakers: jeremy bridges, a backup lineman for the panthers, was charged with assault after an altercation with a bouncer. apparently he sprayed a bottle of dom perignon all over the bar causing a woman to get doused. are you an idiot? you can get the same effect with a bottle of korbel for $150 less! i don’t care about the player, but that’s a waste of a great champagne!

fumbling towards history update: the lions actually had a 4th quarter lead! they even knocked gus frerrote out of the game! but alas, they drop to 0-13. next week: at indy. peyton manning promised to only throw 4 td passes.

memo to lions fans: dominic raiola was just saying you’re number 1 for sticking by them!

baseball note of the week: admit it, yankee fans, aren’t you even a little curious what manny would/could do in pinstripes?

baseball note of the week weak: if you were offered $140 million, or take less to stay closer to your family, wouldn’t just move your whole damn family?

meet jerry jones: meddling owner, wannabe coach, attention whore. you can now add podiatrist. just ask marion barber’s toe.

that’s all for now. tune in next week when we ask: when terrell owens opens his mouth, don’t you just want to slap him? yes, donovan, i know what your answer is…

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

national firearm league!

we begin this week with a prediction: the giants ought to get back to the super bowl,
as long as they don't shoot themselves in the...err, nevermind.

seriously, are you kidding plastico? after the year you've had so far? if you are dumb enough to make yourself a target, you will become one.

what kind of club was this that you wear sweat pants and bring a gun
to, gold's gym and shooting range?

it's too bad for him his nra membership was more important to him than
his nfl membership.

antonio pierce is gonna be in trouble too for the coverup. hope it was
worth it.

plastico was trying to do his job, just in a misguided way. he's
supposed to catch bombs from eli manning, not bullets from himself!

how much do you want to bet he winds up in dallas next year? two
things they love down there are guns and nutjob wide receivers, after all.

and now for the actual football portion of our show!

those had to be the worst games in the history of thanksgiving
football. people all around the country were actually forced to talk
to their relatives.

was anyone else at the jets-broncos game? it was a sloppy mess, and
i'm not even talking about the weather!

honestly, it looked like the jets gameplanned for the wrong team. i
haven't seen the middle that wide open since the paris hilton sex tape.

and who the hell is peyton hillis? i am now convinced a chimpanzee in
pads could run for 100 in that system.

the bills lost at home to the 49ers. at least they're not the lions.

speaking of, the lions watch this week: 0-12, home against minnesota
sunday. fumbling towards history!

i'm through for this week. tune in next week when we will be sporting our
giants #17 harris smith jersey!

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

mirth, thy name is favre...

worst name in the nfl: benjarvus green-ellis. not only could they not agree on only one first name, they couldn't agree on a last name either!

so after the jets thoroughly waxed the titans, lendale white castle was upset he only played three plays, stating he wasn't paying attention. he was apparently too busy eating.

nfl, meet leon washington - just like reggie bush, but without the hype and the hot girlfriend.

there's a chance the lions' thanksgiving game might be blacked out in detroit if the game hasn't sold out. this is so unfair! how come they don't get stuck watching it when the rest of us have to?

an unknown qb comes in after an injury to the established starter for the patriots and makes a name for himself. did i time warp back to 2001? somewhere drew bledsoe is saying 'good. fuck him.'

did you know that tom brady's son with actress ex-girlfriend bridget moynahan is named john edward thomas? j.e.t.? hell hath no fury...

pacman jones is back! he's so surprised he was let back in he is throwing a party at the strip club across the street from texas stadium.

shawn alexander was cut by the redskins this week. have you seen anyone's career fall faster than this guy? other than britney spears.

andy reid is looking more like wilford brimley every day. he's also looking soon to be unemployed.

north of the border moment: calgary won the canadian football league championship. have you ever seen a cfl game? no touchbacks or fair catches. go kill that returner, eh?

that's all i got this week, happy turkey day, kids.

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

the ghost of scott norwood

we begin with a question: is al davis really alive, or is that a zombie?

what happened to braylon edwards? last year he caught everything, this year he has more drops than sprint.

didn’t matter because the bills lost on a 47 yard field goal going wide right. this sounds vaguely familiar.

it’s tough being a buffalo fan. visions of mark ingram spinning like a ballerina on speed still haunt me to this day.

speaking of mark ingram, he was convicted of money laundering in september. guess the federal government did what the bills defense couldn’t.

did you see the jets-patriots game? i don’t call that a close win, i call it escaping by the skin of your nuts.

the jets cannot play with a lead. i guess when you’re not used to having the lead you tend to panic.

kris jenkins is seriously imposing. he doesn’t tackle running backs, he eats them.

file under sister-kisser: the eagles tied the bengals, the first tie in 6 years. fitting, because neither team deserved to win.

donovan mcnabb admitted he did not know a game could end in a tie. apparently chunky soup is not brain food.

the titans are 10-0 so far. nobody cares because kerry collins is as sexy as ed mcmahon.

college football note of the week: joe paterno is cool. he’s been around so long, i think he coached jesus.

the steelers beat the chargers 11-10. what the hell kind of score is that? sounds more like the score of a pirates-padres game. only problem is the pirates can’t score 11 runs in a week let alone 1 game.

my vote for coach of the year: tony sparano. with a roster filled with kids, psychopaths (see: porter, joey) potheads (see: williams, ricky) and a pea shooter armed qb, he has managed to be 1 game out of first. that and his daughter meadow is pretty hot.

that’s all I got for this week. next week we will ask new lion qb drew henson how many more sports can he possibly suck in.

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

tyler frickin' thigpen?

finally! herm edwards actually win...the game! aaaannnnd still winds up losing.

honestly, herm's game management has historically been so conservative he makes pat buchanan look like a democrat.

this year's nominee for the kurt warner 'where the fuck did he come from?' award goes to tyler thigpen. three games and this kid looks like len frickin' dawson!

file under old faces, old places: ty law will be grabbing players' jerseys the rest of the season for the jets. tatum bell be grabbing players' luggage for the broncos.

so after a 37 point explosion by the ravens, they go out and score 41! we are finally seeing the offensive genius that is brian billick. oh wait a second...

the 2008 atlanta falcons: in the doghouse from a qb currently in the big house, now in the penthouse partly due to a new qb fresh out of a frat house and a rb built like a brick house.

did you watch the saints game? drew brees was giving jeremy shockey an earful. i swear i thought i saw that shit on the side of his face yelling at him too.

are you like me? when you see drew brees do you want to just lick your thumb and rub like your mom used to?

that's all for now, next week we will try to figure out when the last time the cardinals were in the playoffs. i left off my research around the nixon era...

Thursday, November 6, 2008

undress for success?

so last week mike singletary not only threw vernon davis out of the game, he dropped his pants at halftime to show how bad they were playing. i’ve heard of undressing the team, but this?

brady quinn finally gets his chance this week! have you ever taken a good look at this kid? he’s got eyebrows like little hamsters!

memo to romeo crennel: that isn’t the brady you were thinking of.

joey porter and brandon marshall got into a little spat this week. i don’t know about you but i’m afraid of joey porter. he seems like the kinda guy who would just straight up kill you if you pissed him off. just ask matt cassel.

baseball note of the week: the phillies won the world series. no one in philly noticed because they were too busy booing everyone.

cadillac williams might be out of the shop pretty soon. too bad he runs like a pinto.

more qbs down this week: roethlisberger, schaub, even ol’ brett is a little dinged up. ‘protecting the qb’ used to mean having a good line. now it means having good group health insurance.

kyle orton got knocked out last week, too. do you know what that means? the return of sexy rexy! he promptly let the bears on a comeback against the lions. so what? a flock of geese could beat the lions.

speaking of the lions, they signed recently retired daunte culpepper. pretty soon, dan orlovsky will be running out of bounds again, right to the bench.

‘orlovsky’ isn’t a cool enough name for a quarterback, anyway. sounds more like a third string nose tackle.

the bills are good. they can beat everyone, except teams in their division.

the ravens scored 37 points last week! i don’t think they scored 37 points all of last year.

i'm done this week. next week we will celebrate the bengals not losing 2 weeks in a row!

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

national felon league...

big news from the league office: the nfl announced that instead of an injury report they will list a police blotter.

larry johnson won’t play because he is too busy spitting drinks in women’s faces. apparently, he prefers hitting girls more than hitting the hole.

filed under not so saintly: 3 new orleans players tested positive for a diuretic, supposedly to lose weight. haven’t they seen all those commercials? trying nutrisystem worked wonders for dan marino and mike golic!

one of the saints in question was deuce mcallister. looks like deuce is on the juice.

santonio holmes was busted for weed. he claimed it was performance enhancing for a hot dog eating contest he had entered.

instead of travelling to london with his team, a fresh out of surgery reggie bush spent the weekend in vegas with his girlfriend kim kardashian. Tough choice there: tea & krumpets or t & a?

outdoing even himself, plastico was benched for a quarter and a half because he missed a treatment session saturday. maybe his kids go to school 6 days a week?

rookie coach of the week: mike singletary, if there’s one guy who has the stones to stand up to some of these spoiled brats, it’s him.

baseball note of the week: joe maddon kinda seems like morris buttermaker with wild thing glasses. he just kinda looks to me like he’ll whip out a bottle of jack at the post game press conference.

hey, they also played some games this week, right?

Did anyone catch the jets/chiefs game? If so I feel for you.

i’m tapped out for this week. next week we will try to figure out when exactly peyton became the second best manning in the league. we think it was somewhere between the 2nd knee surgery that didn’t happen.

Monday, October 27, 2008

old thoughts...

these are a few lines about the season so far from the message board of my fantasy league, just thought to share:

from last week:

romo hurt his pinky. his freakin pinky. didn’t brett farve play with an amputated leg and polio a few years back?

memo to dan orlovsky: that big white line at the back of the end zone is out of bounds.

did you see this play? if i were the coach i’d have benched him, kicked him off the sideline, cut him, emptied his locker, threw him out of the stadium, and had his car repossessed all before the next offensive series.

honestly, that brings a new meaning to the term ‘offensive series.’

from week 6:

plastico had to take his kids to school. apparently he does not have the reliability of the verizon network.

speaking of nutcase wr's, t.o. broke down crying on the sideline. fuck steroids and hgh, get this guy some zoloft!

from week 5:

pacman jones and chris henry were teammates at the same school. i bet that was one hell of a team dorm.

reggie bush is dating reality starlet/sex tape gal kim kardashian. why should quarterbacks have all the fun?

kim's dad was one of oj's defense lawyers. what is with that family and shady usc tailbacks?

from week 4:

genius of the week: tony sparano. he has figured out how to win with chad at qb: have ronnie brown throw the ball...

the bills won on a last second field goal. better late than never.

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

watch out for that ref!

strange week...tony romo couldn't last a whole week hanging out with jessica 24/7...

ol'bf gave romo a call and said 'it's your pinky, you pussy! get in there and get that pinky under andre gurode's nutsac!'

so what do the cowboys do? start brad johnson and promptly got waxed by the rams. wasn't romo in like, 2nd grade when brad johnson last started a game?

speaking of ol' bf, he denied giving the lions info about the packers' playbook. please. mike mccarthy could use a bullhorn to call in the plays and the lions still couldn't stop it.

speaking of nutsacs, it was rumored that kellen winslow's 'mystery illness' was elephantitis of the testicles. because figuratively having the biggest balls on the team wasn't good enough.

turned out however, it was a staph infection, the 6th brown player to come down with the infection. does this team share jockstraps or something?

mike nolan and his suits are out in san fran. mike singletary's first order of business was to teach the team the super bowl shuffle.

rodney harrison was carted off the field on monday. good. that's karma biting you in the ass for years of dirty hits.

t.o., chad johnson, plastico...seriously, do you have to be a few cans short of a six pack to play wr in the nfl?

i'm done for this week. next week we will ask pacman if the rehab place lets him take field trips to the strip club...don't worry, joba's driving!

shits and giggles...

so for the past few years or so i've been writing out a few lines about the current week in football on various fantasy football league message boards. maybe it's ego, but i'd like to think some of them are kinda interesting. so it took all of 10 minutes to start this up and i figure i'd post some of them up here for the half dozen or so people that might be interested. i'll try to update them every week, but i'm entitled to a few bye weeks, so we'll see what comes of it...

if you've found your way here by some stroke of bad luck, welcome. if i know you and you're just humoring me, thanks (i think)

'opinions are like assholes - everyone's got one, and some are stinkier than others...'