just end the...wait what they won!?

how about those jets? they haven’t beat the patriots in the meadowlands since the civil war!

the jets had a hell of a game plan. we just didn’t see it before because it was hiding under rex ryan’s gut.

kerry rhodes said that the jets would embarrass the patriots. they didn’t really embarrass them, unless you count randy moss whining like a 3 year old after the game.

tom brady & gisele bündchen are being sued by two cameramen claiming their security shot at them after they took unauthorized pictures. wrong move, guys - if anyone knows about unauthorized use of cameras, it would be tom brady.

schmuck of the week: robert henson, a rookie linebacker for the redskins who has yet to play this year, called washington fans ‘dim wits’ after booing the team after their uninspiring 9-7 win. way to play yourself into the hearts of the fans, dumbass.

henson also insulted fans by asking what they know about football when they work at mcdonalds. how much you wanna bet he gets a little ‘extra special sauce’ next time he orders a big mac?

plaxico burress began his jail sentence. unfortunately for him, there are guys in prison who really love ‘wide receivers.’

i want my baby back: everyone’s talking ribs between mcnabb and hasselbeck breaking a few between the two of them. it’s getting so bad tony siragusa donated a rack from his bbq joint to help out.

so jerrywood opened with 105,000 people watching the cowboys lose to the giants. jerry jones was so pissed he made tony romo clean the bathrooms after the game with terrell owens’ old toothbrush while listening to jessica simpson albums.

i’m done for this week. tune in next week when we interview the gap between michael strahan’s teeth.

dissing suzy kolber...

we begin this week with bills almost sneaking out of new england with a win on monday night. i can take solace in a one point loss because i thought they were gonna lose 138-3.

after the game, leodis mckelvin’s lawn was vandalized. he should be so lucky. in south america, if you screw up like that in soccer, they string your nutsac up to a banana tree.

tom brady spurned suzy kolber during a post game interview. she’d have better luck with joe namath.

baseball note of the week: derek jeter – men want to be him, women want to be with him. dustin pedroia wants both.

so sexy rexy got his first win as hc of the nyj. jets fans are ecstatic about their new quarterback. rightfully so, their last few qbs have either been on ir or aarp.

the jets never reported that brett favre was injured last year, and were fined $75,000. which is half the cost of a psl for next year.

so donovan mcnabb gets injured, and the eagles sign jeff garcia. memo to kevin kolb: you are the nfc’s version of kellen clemens. enjoy riding that bench, kiddo.

so jay cutler, the best quarterback in chicago since jesus, goes out and throws four picks. after the game he blamed the packers’ defense for getting in the way.

drew brees threw for 6 touchdowns against the lions last week. the shit on the side of his face ran one in.

troy polamalu hurt his knee and will miss 3 to 6 weeks. his hair will only miss 2.

i’m done for this week. tune in next week when we ask eli manning if he knows any of his receivers. i sure don’t.

one tequila, two tequila...

the regular season finally begins this week. about time, if the preseason lasted any longer there’d be no offensive coordinators left.

memo to shawne merriman: that’s not what they meant by ‘knocking back a tequila.’

the browns finally announced that brady quinn would be their week 1 starter. mangini finally decided to announce it when he realized no one really gave a shit.

the bills are trying out a no-huddle offense for this season. hopefully it’s better than their no-points offense of last season.

college football note of the day: i don’t care what they said to you, legarrete blount, it doesn’t mean you can go batshit crazy and punch everyone within a 2 mile radius.

don’t be a richard: seymour still hasn’t reported to his new job in oakland. can you blame him? he went from a team whose coach breaks records to a coach that breaks his staff’s noses.

i’m out for this week. tune in next week when we replace kevin & pat williams on the viking defensive line with venus & serena williams. see if you can spot the difference.

motherfavrer!

ok, we’re back again just in time for the new season. just like brett favre. again.

am i the only one sick of ol’ bf? he didn’t want to go through the hassle of training camp. well shit! wouldn’t you like to show up at your new job 3 months late?

the ‘fuck brett favre club’ inducted two more members this year: aaron rodgers & kellen clemens welcomed tarvaris jackson & sage rosenfels.

as for ol’ bf’s former (rent-a-)team, kellen clemens just can’t get a break. that or he just really really sucks.

what is that shit on mark sanchez’s face? whatever it is, it’s made the shit on the side of drew brees’ face the second most well-known birthmark in the nfl.

brandon marshall is either the dumbest person on the planet or the biggest douchebag on the planet. after seeing the footage of him dogging it in practice, i can’t decide.

the new cowboy stadium is having a problem with punted balls hitting the giant tv screen. funny this hasn’t happened sooner, you’d think a ball would have hit jerry jones ego at least once.

nutjob wr update: terrell owens has a new reality show, chad johnson has a new name, plastico has a new jail cell. these guys make randy moss look like a boy scout.

if i ran an nfl team: i’d have dog the bounty hunter as the ‘tee kid’ for the game against the eagles. try drowning his ass, michael vick.

this just in: pacman jones will be playing for the cfl’s winnipeg blue bombers. he’s gonna make it rain, eh?

memo to matt cassel: a monkey with one leg could win in the patriots system. enjoy kansas city.

the sparanos, season 2: the dolphins win 3 games, chad pennington gets whacked mid-season, and big tuna sleeps with the fishes after week 17.

i’m done for this week. tune in next week when we interview gisele bündchen about how she has to compete with bill belichick for tom brady’s attention.

how much do i hate thee?

i know it's been a while, but i have a few things that have been bugging me:

i hate the red sox. in fact, i hate pretty much anything having to do with boston. if it wasn't for sam adams and clam chowder, i'd say blow the whole damn town into the ocean.

george carlin once said 'hard work is for people short on talent.' finally, an explanation for dustin pedroia.

seriously, pedroia's first job was baking cookies in a tree for keebler.

in fact, i could have sworn he was one of the kids from tlc's 'little people, big world.'

if i say i hate kevin youkilis, does that make me anti-semitic?

ranger defenseman paul mara's beard has a bigger dick than kevin youkilis' beard.

ok, some football stuff:

terrell owens is on the bills. trent edwards now has the worst job in the world.

did you see brett favre got released by the jets, even though he is 'retired'? i'll bet my left man-boob he plays for the vikings next year.

speaking of the jets, they drafted their future quarterback of the future, after their present quarterback of the past retired and they decided that their present quarterback of the future was not the future quarterback of the present. did you follow that? that's the jets for you.

michael vick is going to be released from prison soon. he is scheduled to do his work-release program at petsmart. the hamsters are terrified.

the giants did the right thing by releasing plastico. however, if he gets out of jail time, at least he dodged that bullet.

why do they call it a 'west coast offense' if an east coast team is using it? and wouldn't the time zone difference cause the receivers to be 3 hours behind?

that's all i got for now, tune in next time for a bengals mini-camp report from ohio state - the prison, not the university.

that must be some helmet hair...

welcome to the special super bowl edition! this week we have an exclusive interview with troy polamalu’s hair.

seriously, this could be the hairiest super bowl ever, what with all the dreadlocks and coiffures out there. you’d think shampoo companies would find a way to get in on this somehow: this td catch by larry fitzgerald brought to you by soul glo!

kurt warner’s wife is scary. she kinda looks like gozer from ghostbusters.

jesus is a cardinals fan. you’d think that was the case because of how much kurt mentions him.

the pittsburgh steelers – making people forget how bad the pirates are since 1934.

limas sweed is a receiver on the steelers. that is such a funny sounding name. sounds like a villain from ‘the dukes of hazzard’

i don’t really have anything else to say about the steelers. hines ward might hit me from behind if i say anything bad.

anquan boldin was caught yelling at his offensive coordinator during the nfc championship. nothing says ‘team player’ quite like fighting with your coach and bailing on the victory celebration.

maybe anquan came down with a case of ‘temporary terrellowensanity.’ symptoms include yapping at your offensive coordinator and quarterback, as well as an uncontrollable urge to do pushups in your driveway.

around the league:

sexy rexy in green! rex ‘son of buddy’ ryan is the new h.c. of the n.y.j. along with the retained offensive coordinator brian ‘son of marty’ schottenheimer, they jets are now ‘terribly average coaches – the next generation.’

tuna-safe dolphins: bill parcells is committed to staying in miami through this year. makes sense – at his age, most people stay in florida all year round.

terrell owens is getting his own reality show. isn’t that ironic? a guy in a reality show who has no grasp of reality whatsoever?

plastico might be back with the giants next year. unless he’s in jail, where he will be catching balls, but not from eli…

bruce smith made the hall of fame this week. he was so good, he could sack your quarterback just be looking at him.

that’s all i got for now. tune in next week for our coverage of the pro bowl. the only football game no one gives a shit about.

when good teams go bad...

finally back from my playoff bye week. unlike the giants.

you know the giants’ earth wind and fire running back trio? they also nicknamed their wide receiver too: lock, stock and barrel.

eli manning is 0 for his career in home playoff games. if that’s enough to get him a $100 million dollar contract, that makes the yankees look fiscally responsible.

where did the eagles come from? didn’t they just suck like, 3 games ago?

seriously, if you were to tell me the eagles would be going to arizona to play the cardinals to get into the super bowl, i’d have said you’ve been hanging out with shawn ellis and ricky williams too much.

chad pennington won comeback player of the year. now jets fans are wishing he’d come back to the jets.

then chad went out and reminded jet fans why he was cut. he threw four interceptions against the ravens. he was just trying to do his best brett favre impersonation.

the lions hired titans defensive coordinator jim schwartz to be there head coach. may the schwartz be with him. he's gonna need it.

basketball note of the month: knick eddy curry was sued for supposedly sexually harassing his male limo driver. this finally explains his lack of defense – he plays for the other team!

tony dungy retired this week. no joke here – he was a guy who actually lived and acted with integrity – what a frickin concept!

coincidentally, jon gruden was fired this week too by the bucs. about time; after taking dungy’s team to the super bowl, he’s won about as much as anna kournikova.

pacman jones was let go by the cowboys. the last straw was when jerry jones caught pacman trying to make it rain for the cowboys cheerleaders.

now terrell owens might be let go too. memo to nfl gms: those who don’t learn from history are doomed to sign t.o.

michael irvin supposedly had a gun pointed at him by a would be robber while driving in dallas. then pacman recognized him and drove off.

why do you only hear players thanking jesus? what if jesus isn’t a football fan? one day i’d love to hear someone thank buddha, vishnu, or zeus.

that’s all for this week. next week we will interview for the jets job. hell, they have to give it to somebody!

manjobless!

quick idea to start the week: if brett favre started aiming for the other team, would he start completing passes to his receivers? cause if that's him trying to throw to his own guys...

did you watch this game? i swear, i think ol' bf completed more passes to dolphins than chad pennington.

the game was over at 7:30 pm sunday. mangina was thumbing a ride outside giants stadium at 7:38.

have you ever seen a more erratic team than the broncos? one week they can beat the world, the next they can't beat an egg.

mike shanahan got fired, too. long time coming for this, last time he won anything was with some elway guy.

the cowboys got hammered in a win-and-you're-in game against the eagles. not sure who had the more satisfying middle finger - chad to the jets or mcnabb to terrell owens.

speaking of collapses, tony romo passed out in the shower after the game. i guess the thought of having to put up with jessica simpson for 6 straight months will do that to you.

i'm not surprised he passed out. with owens in one ear, jessica in the other, and jerry jones looking over your shoulder, there was no more oxygen left near his head.

jerry jones said wade philips will be back next year. as soon as jerry stops strangling him with his puppet strings.

the bills lost to the patriots in close to hurricane force winds. this year it wasn't just the wind that blew in buffalo.

tom brady proposed to superhot girlfriend gisele bündchen. i wonder which knee he got down on.*

fumbling towards history update: the lions did it! it truly takes a team effort to be that bad.

seriously, i haven't seen that much sucking since the pam and tommy video.

romeo, where for art thou? after being forced to play bruce 'the passing polock' gradkowski, crennel finally got paroled out of cleveland.

between mangini, romeo, and the maligned charlie weis at notre dame, that bellycheck branch of the parcells' family coaching tree is not looking too robust right now.

that's all i got this week. next week will be tougher to write about due to no bad teams playing. except the chargers.


* credit where it is due: my brother in law mike actually said this, but i couldn't resist.